Peter Pecker

This, boys and girls, is the story of Peter Pecker.

He came to me with that new plastic smell, the smell of things that can be inflated that are made out of plastic.
(Do guys that buy inflatable dolls breathe in that new plastic smell with fondness? I don't think I want to go there).

His face was creepy...like a bad screen print of a voodoo doll with a horrible rendition of the victim on the front.

He came with several plastic rings that could be tossed onto...well I'll just leave that part to your imaginations.

With a name like Peter Pecker and an introduction like that, I'm confident you'll reach the correct conclusion, although you may wish you hadn't.




*blush* Thanks for thinking I'm not that type of girl, but truth is Peter Pecker made me squeal in delight.




*gasp* NOW you're going somewhere you shouldn't!




He was a gag gift at my bachelorette party and was an instant hit. The Big B was for some reason still home when the shower/bachelorette party started, and as he snuck downstairs to use the bathroom, the gaggle of girls used the opportunity to place Peter Pecker across the doorway of the bathroom and we all waited in anticipation of his reaction.

My lovely nerd boy, he took it in stride and burst out the door a-la football players bursting through a large sheet of paper stretched across a frame and knocked Mr. Pecker to the floor.

Smartly, the Big B disappeared shortly after that and wasn't seen until the following day.

Peter, on the other hand, was used and abused and forced to watch all the silly wiener-themed games done at bachelorette parties--the broom and toilet paper race game, the hot-dog on a string and the bucket of tacks game, the pin the dong on the hottie game.

His face remained creepily stoic the entire time.

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Cut to last year, sometime during the spring. My coworker Jeino (nicknamed this for his weird obsession for the German folk artist Heino and the fact that he can look eerily similiar) invited me to see his band, Loyal to the Group of Seventeen, play a gig at the 7th Street Entry.

He is a person who insists on being outside the lines, all the time, in every aspect of his life. The crazier, stranger things can be, the happier he is.

He once started a collage of the Jolly Roger on his cubewall made entirely out of cardboard fake credit cards. Sadly, the 2008 economy crash ended the credit card offers for the most part, so the collage went unfinished.

But I digress!

I had told him about Peter Pecker and he said he'd want him for his band to play with.

Not play with like that, you sickos!

Well, okay, maybe so. But he really wanted Mr Pecker there so he could be onstage, basking in their glory alongside the rest of the band. He excitedly told me of what he would make Peter do, and trust me, it was NOT G-rated!

When I agreed to come to his gig, he asked if I would bring Peter with and at some point, throw him up onstage. Jeino has a wicked sense of humor and a penchant for practical jokes.

I agreed...and brought my girlfriend K along as my moral support.

I chickened out on lugging an inflated male blow up doll through the downtown streets of Minneapolis. I DID bring Mr Pecker with, safely rolled up and tucked away in my huge purse.

Loyal to the Group of Seventeen came onstage, and the first few songs were played while I nervously contemplated the plastic doll in my purse.

Where in the heck was I gonna blow this thing up? How would I bring it onto the floor? Everyone will stare!

Jeino must have sensed my misgivings, for at one point he leaned over his drumkit and said into the microphone, "Where's the blowup doll?"

I looked at K. K looked at me. We nodded, and departed for the entryway.

There we blew up the nefarious doll, as people walked past into the show. Peter's arms had gotten all twisted up and I had trouble with my half of the chambers, and in a fit of impatience K took it from me and proceeded to finish inflating Mr Pecker.

Of all my girlfriends, only K would have the balls to do something like this with me.

Sheepishly, I grabbed him and we made our way back to our place in front of the stage. I waited for a good time so I wouldn't disturb the players...and when the moment was ripe, I dashed up close, tossed the doll and ran away quickly.

The lead singer who plays keyboard while he sings suddenly turns around and sees the doll.

"Oh my god, there really IS a blowup doll! I thought you were just joking," and he turns to look at his drummer as he says this.

Apparently Jeino wanted to play a joke on his bandmates as well and hadn't told them about the possible appearance of Peter Pecker.

The lead signer proceeded to put Peter Pecker on his lap and played the next few songs around Peter's...ahem...pecker. The appendage may have been used to play a few notes on the keyboard as well. The night grows a bit hazy after that...but my cheeks hurt from smiling.

The bassist was weirded out by his face.

"It's so creepy!" she exclaimed at one point when the singer threatened her with the doll.

Eventually Peter ended up bent over the drumkit with his member facing the bass drum hole.

When next I ran into Jeino at work, I asked him how Mr Pecker had fared during the afterparty.

Jeino shook his head. "You know, we forgot him there? I can't believe we did, but in the rush to load the van, he got left behind."

Sadness! But I'm comforted by the thought that perhaps Peter Pecker found a new home.