The Green Monster

Everyone has one at some point in their lives, over something or someone.

It rears it's ugly, envious head when you see someone with something you want, when you feel threatened and are vulnerable to its whisperings in your ear.

Mostly they are benign, little things, like lusting after a purse or wishing your hair would do that or you could go somewhere fabulous.

Less pretty are the times when it involves a relationship.

I have never had a serious wrestling match with the monster (I think). Frankly, I don't get it.

Intellectually, I understand the feeling, but I don't think I've ever been deep in its grasp. I suspect that like an orgasm, if you only think you've been gut-wrenchingly jealous, then you really haven't.

Even dating a hyper jealous man-boy for a couple of years didn't make me understand it entirely. I just didn't feel it viscerally, down in the gut where I understand it stabs from. When the man-boy harassed me once for not getting jealous over a girl (supposedly) hitting on him in front of me all night, I tried to go through the motions, but that's exactly what it was--me doing what I thought a jealous girlfriend would do.

For me, it comes down to making sense and my own special brand of people-naivete. In small doses I think a bit of envy can be good. Keep you on your toes, from taking your loved one for granted.

But the kind that makes you check in on your lover every hour, on the hour? or accuse them of cheating? or stalk their Facebook page? or steal their phone to read text messages? or any other aggregious violation of personal privacy and freedom? Makes no sense to me.

A friend of the Big B's was over this past Sunday to watch the football game. Earlier that weekend on Friday I was dropped off by the Big B to go out for a girl's night with the friend's wife and another girl, so the guys talked briefly and set up their man date for two days hence. B's friend said how great it would be to watch a game with a friend instead of alone, but was already temporizing, saying things like "I'll have to talk to the wife" and so forth.

Sounds innocous enough, if you haven't seen their couple dynamic before. I had, so I quickly piped up that she could bring the kids and hang out with me if that would make her say yes.

(In retrospect, the part of the allure of the gameday hang session was probably the absence of said wife & kids, just for a bit.)

What strikes me is that there would be any doubt whatsoever about a "yes" answer to that question. I'm not saying it shouldn't be asked--respect for each other in a committed relationship demands that--but more that the expectation would be a non-approval for something so simple.

For the Big B and I, the question would be expected to be asked, but barring previously made committments, in most cases the question is more of a formality, a quick check to make sure there are no plans and to let the other person know what you plan on doing. Early on, the two of us established a straight-down-the-middle, equal sides partnership that is quasi-sibling like in the fervor to make things exactly equal.

I'm not saying this approach is without pitfalls. No such approach to relationships with other human beings exists, as far as I can tell.

But I can say that if it were the Big B and I, and he was driving me and my girlfriends to the bar and picking our drunken asses up after 2am on a Friday night (and most likely not getting laid because of the state of my over-inebriation), there would be no question that he could go watch the game on Sunday at a friend's.

Granted, a caveat is that we are currently geekling-free, but I strongly suspect that our policy of making room for each of our own "alone time" will continue even after children are born.

(Those of you with actual children, feel free to scoff at this. Please note, however, that in our case we're extremely lucky, in the fact that we have three sets of grandparents prepared to fight tooth and nail for babysitting rights, and one pair is a short car ride away and the other is within walking distance. Hooray grandparents, we thank you already!)

I am profoundly grateful we are this way.

I never want someone to get a call from me, checking up on my husband, demanding to know where he is and berating them because I didn't appreciate that he hadn't answered his phone when I called him (minutes after the game had ended!).

 I never want my behavior to remind them of lyrics from the Limp Bizkit song "Stuck":

Psycho female blowin up the phone line

You need to tighten that screw, it's been loose for a long time

Cliched, I know, but if you love something, set it free!

I heard somewhere (I forget who or where, forgive me) that your loved one should be a part of your life, but not be your life. I am completely on board with this.

If you aren't allowed to have a life apart from each other, how do you keep your relationship growing? By experiencing things on your own and as a couple, you bring more elements to the table to share with each other and gain the space needed to keep it fresh, stop taking-the-other-for-granted syndrome in its tracks.

So I believe. What about you?